You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
