I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
