she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize