So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize