would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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