I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
