Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
