what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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