We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
