Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
