Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
