Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
