Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I need to calm my uterus...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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