you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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