i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
