so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
