u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize