I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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