I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
