He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
