I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize