i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My liver just had a heart attack.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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