mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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