I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
