I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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