its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
