woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
