Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
if only i could text you this smell
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
