I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
