and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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