my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
