I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
