I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
