I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
