I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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