btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
