we have pet lesbian snakes
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
