just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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