You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to calm my uterus...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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