"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
