The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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