when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
