i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
