He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
