It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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