i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
there is glitter all over my balls
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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