I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
