Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
