Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
