I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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