So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize