Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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