is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this boner is exhausting
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
