When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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