Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
