I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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