You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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