WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
