Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
