He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
