I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
