my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
