He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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