Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
