I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
