needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
